Hindsight’s 20/20.

I am ashamed to say that I ordered a lavender honey latte today, and I do not have the chic, plastic-rimmed glasses to go with it.

When I was a girl in Catholic school, I attempted to fail the eyesight test every year. Everyone in my family had glasses, and I desperately wanted them.

Shocker… I was a talker and comedian in school.

As it occurred to me, my teachers would not allow me out of that box. However, the students with glasses were let off the hook for slipping up, as they appeared to be intellectuals. So (not sure how I got here), I saw glasses as the quick fix to ensuring that I would be taken seriously.

My performances started in 4th grade. I would walk into the testing room of the school, each year and (not-so-subtly) try to fail the eyesight test. It hadn’t occurred to me that Mrs. O’Brien was probably on to me…even though I tested with better than 20/20 vision every year, previous to my failed attempts. When I got into 7th grade, we lined up to take the test. I walked in, stared at the chart, and as I started to read the top letter as an “M,” Mrs. O’Brien interrupted me, “Ok, Lisa. That’s interesting. You read it perfectly last year. So, let’s try that again, please.”

Sigh.

I rattled them off. “E, F, P, T, O, Z, L, P, E, D…blah, blah, blah. Can I go now???”

School Nurse and Killer of Joy. “You don’t know anything.” As a child, I constantly murmured this in my head and under my breath.

I was never given the clearance to go get my eyes checked.

Throughout high school, I purchased fake glasses from a local accessories store, and just owned up to the fact that I had perfect vision, but I chose to wear glasses because I thought they looked so amazing!

When my second son was born, my eyesight changed, and I excitedly drove myself to the optometrist and sat for the test. “Hormones,” she said. “It’s probably your hormones, and if it’s not hindering your eyesight as you drive, we can wait another 6 months to test you again and see if you actually need glasses.” What the?!? You don’t know anything…I murmured in my head.

I asked to try on other people’s glasses to see what I would look like with them on…this baby was not impressed 🙂

I couldn’t even win at failing. I scared a baby…a BABY!!! Look at me smiling next to him in that picture…what a weirdo!

My eyesight was too damn perfect, and I resented it! I didn’t know anything.

I still watch people that wear them, stare as they walk by, and admire their glasses’s color or shape…but I’m not meant to wear them. “Why?” so many of my friends and family asked. “You should be glad that you don’t have bad eyesight, Lisa.” my mother would say, as I would roll my eyes, murmuring “You don’t know anything,” in my head. I just wanted them, badly…and they weren’t for me. I wasn’t created with the eyesight that warranted them.

Isn’t this what we do???

We look at things we want and what others have, and we obsess over them. Sometimes, we try so hard to push the square peg into that round hole, when it’s just not meant to be! I was guilty of this. We all are, at some point.

Brene Brown said, “When we deny our stories, they define us….Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” Genius…because when we let go of shame and stop trying to be successful or beautiful by the world’s definitions, we become these breathtaking, unique specimens of what we are meant to be!

Still, we want things that are (possibly) not meant for us.

To be taller. To be thinner. To be richer. To have more stuff. To have better hair. To have thinner thighs. To have kids. To have more kids. To be married. To be divorced. To be liked. For life to be easier than it is now. To have complete control over it.

What if we were grateful for what we have? What if we were grateful for where we are?

What if we embraced discomfort…and if out of our comfort zone were the only place we could grow and flourish? What if that place of surrender was the only place you could get what you wanted? What if we just leaned into our situation?

What if taking control of our lives, actually looked like surrender?

I was thinking about the idea of surrender the other day, and it’s a funny thing, y’all…

In war, surrender usually leads to defeat.

BUT…in love, surrender leads to deeper love.

What are we so afraid of? There is no war against us in this life! As I see it, every true desire in our hearts was placed there for a reason, and those desires will lead us exactly where we are meant to be.

I couldn’t get glasses. Eventually, I stopped trying to win that battle, and I leaned into the other things.

I sang. I played. I wrote. I connected. I leaned into all of it, and the more I did, the better I knew myself. The more I did, the easier I excelled.

In her book, A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson speaks to the role of fear, how it holds us back, and what we are meant to be. This is one of my favorite quotes….

Lean in to who you are called to be.

Surrender fear, shame, and control.

Lean in, and see where that takes you.

Hope.

In the last 9 months, the idea of “Hope” is constantly on the forefront of my mind…the idea, and even the word itself appears in my daily life, all the time! When I get still, I think about it deeply.

I was reading my book the other day (White Oleander), and it talked about the notion of hope…I’m not sure if you can see it clearly, but I circled it for you so you can zoom in. The passage ends with, “Despair was the killer. I had to prepare, hold hope between my palms like the flame of the last match in a long Arctic night.”

I read it over and over again, as I sat outside, eating my sandwich, while people passed. I always giggle to myself about the irony of it all – that while I am having these profound moments in my life, heart, and mind, the world continues around me.

The same thing occurred to me, as my father was dying, because as I was sitting in the quiet of my parents’ bedroom…praying the Divine Mercy chaplet, and crying at my father’s bedside, and pleading with God for a miracle, and feeling Heaven calling him so intensely in that small space, and losing one of the greatest loves of my life – My Dad – with the hospice nurse and my family beside me…the world continued.

The landscapers mowed lawns, while I sat in that bedroom…

…the bedroom that my father walked out of when he finished getting ready for work in the morning, smelling of aftershave.

The dog walkers walked their dogs, while I sat in that bedroom…

…the bedroom that my father charged from in the middle of the night, like a super hero, when I’d cry out because I’d had a nightmare about witches or vampires.

The families strolling their babies, while I sat in that bedroom…

…the bedroom that was the heart and foundation of the love my parents had together and the home that they built for us.

Watching my father struggle to breathe.

Watching my once vibrant father slip away, one breath at a time.

The world continued…as we sat in that bedroom.

It still continues.

We are no longer in that bedroom.

We still hurt.

And what do we have left in moments like these, but Hope?

Hope…that God will heal hearts and walk through the fire with us.

Hope that one day…we will be the ones on the outside, laughing and delighting in the small moments, again.

I feel it everywhere, and it is the only thing in this world that keeps me going in the hardest moments.

I took this photo the week of my father’s death, in one of his weakest moments, and I even questioned why I was doing it at the time. I’ve been waiting for the right time to share it, and I want to describe the significance of it. It is so powerful!

Here’s the story behind it…

My father wanted to get up from his chair, and he could no longer walk. He was too weak. As my mother hoisted him up into her arms, she explained what she was doing. She held him up, and swayed with him back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, until she could turn him enough to sit down in his wheelchair.

“We dance together,” she said, and my mind flashed back to the memory of my parents dancing in the living room together, when I was a little girl. I smiled and delighted in the thought of it. My parents didn’t always see eye to eye as time passed. There was a tension between them, and we could feel it in our family.

Even though my father was sick, this was a cherished moment in time. They were embracing one another, and I could tell my father was so grateful for my mother in this moment. We knew he was not going to live much longer, and I just wanted to remember them loving one another fiercely, after he was gone. So, without thinking, I took out my phone and snapped the photo.

This was the last time they would dance together. He was laid in his bed shortly after, and he did not get up from it again.

Two weeks after his funeral, I was visiting with a friend, and I showed her the picture. We zoomed-in on it, and admired the beauty of it together.

With a smile on her face and tears in her eyes, she said, “It’s funny how God works, isn’t it? You were praying for a miracle and for healing, and look what God gave to your family…he did not spare your father’s life, but He absolutely gave you and your family a miracle and healing…just not in the way you asked for it.” Then, she pointed at the picture.

It was only then that I noticed, in the zoomed-in photo, the picture hanging on the wall behind them, and Jesus’s outstretched arm over my parents, as they danced together in the living room.

This is a picture of healing.

Of love.

Of miracles.

Of hope.

This week, a friend asked me how I keep such a positive attitude when things seem so dark, and I said, “Hope is a powerful thing, and if we believe that God is as big as we say He is, then we also believe that anything is possible.”

Hope is a blessed ointment, which gives strength to the wounded and the living.

Hope keeps us believing that joy can come after pain.

Hope helps us breathe, when we believe that we can’t go on.

I need it, badly. You need it. We all do.

Emily Dickinson wrote, “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all…”

I hear that sweet song and its urging!

Can you hear it?!?

Listen.

It is a beautiful reminder that Hope lives.

And so the adventure begins.

I am doing this…finally!

I love to write, share what’s on my heart, and what moves it deeply.

My friends and family say “You should write!”

I don’t know about “writing,” but I will definitely share.

Since I was a girl, I have been acutely aware of the fact that I am not meant for Here. My mother says that I would often come into the house, dirty and sweaty, with adventure in my eyes. I remember playing outside in the sunshine and the rain, climbing trees, and running until my heart felt like it would burst. I also remember the pain of skinned knees and hurt feelings. I remember the ring of dirt in the bathtub at the end of the day. I remember how big my heart loved, and the feeling in my chest when my heart cracked in two for the first time.

I live for these moments, that feeling, that dirt, that pain, those tears, and the smell of the rain coming…because those are symbols of freedom and life to me.

As an adult, my commitment to myself is to keep that pure part of my heart alive…to delight in it, to guard it in a place where nothing can take it from me, and to share it with those who need the light. “Here” can take it from us. I have resolved that it will not take it from me.

If you can identify with this, then you know that some people might call people like us “Crazy.”

I can think of a hundred other words…

Free.

Unashamed.

Dreamers.

The Brave Ones.

…Just to name a few… but not crazy.

I am not meant to stay Here. No. But I am meant for a purpose in my time Here.

I guess you can say that I am a rebel with a cause…it is to share Hope.

So, my commitment to you is this: I will pour my heart out onto these virtual pages, and I will write about what moves me, in hopes that it moves you, too.

In hopes that something I share might give you the magical feeling in your heart, that I have in the purest part of my heart…

In hopes that, if you feel hopeless or without purpose, some word or moment that moves me might help resurrect the purest part of your heart, too.

I hope to make a difference in the world. That is all.

“To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived – that is to have succeeded.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson